Soul never dies
Last words can have such an impact on someone’s life. You might still remember some sweet words or some bitter words you heard years ago. You might have forgotten other stuffs but not how those words made you feel. Whenever those words come to your mind again, you relive those moments as if it happened just now. It might make you happy, sad, content or even angry.
I also relive many past moments in my head quite often. It’s funny how out of many moments lived with someone, only few stay in your subconscious mind permanently, keeps knocking and takes you back to those moments time and again…
I can never forget my mom who is up there in heaven. It’s been three years without her. She was with me for 28 years. In all these 28 years, there were many seconds, minutes and days that we have spent together… Yet when I think of her, those 28 years seem so short. I remember how she loved me, cared for me, pampered me, scolded me and taught me to dream. I still remember how she made me feel. I can still feel the warmth of her love and protection.
When she left, she left a big vacuum in my life. With her, I lost a part of me as well. I forgot to live. I forgot to dream. For months, I was restless and angry. I was not able to come with terms that she is no more. I was in constant misery until one night.
It’s a hospital room and my mom lies in her bed in her blue coloured hospital shirt and pant. She wants to move but is unable to move any of her body parts apart from her head. No one hears her calling. My dad, elder sister and I reach there.
” Why you guys so late. I want to move a bit but no one is listening. Can you pull me a bit upwards”, Mom says.
We pull her a bit up.
“Now I feel better. You can’t imagine how suffocating it is to be like this”, Mom says in relief.
My mom was the one experiencing this but I was feeling the numbness and helplessness on my body.
Suddenly my eyes opened and that feeling was no longer there. I was able to move. That moment changed something in me. I don’t know why but I felt like my mom had come to me to tell that she is not in pain now and her helplessness has gone away.
My mom was diagnosed with 4th stage metastatic cancer. Doctors had told that there’s nothing anyone can do. Her one leg had stopped feeling anything and in few days the other one too. Doctor had told that it will spread everywhere and in her brains as well. But before it spread further, her journey ended. Maybe that was somewhere there in my subconscious mind and it just came out in that dream. I don’t know what was that but I was able to feel her helplessness and the relief as well when I woke up. And although I wish she was here, now I don’t have the baggage in my heart.
After this incident, I remembered the moment when she took her last breath. I had fallen asleep. All of a sudden, I could sense complete silence.
I open my eyes and see my dad, sister and my brother-in law holding my mom in a reclined position. Noone is speaking. My mom’s eyes have changed colours, fixed at one point as if they were looking beyond what is in front.
I shake her and tell if she remembers me.
Her heart beat becomes very slow and she speaks exactly in her mother’s voice, ” Kaili, aee kaili get up now”.
I tell everyone that she is calling her younger sister. But then suddenly realise that her sister is “Kanchi, the small one”. Kaili was actually her.
I start shivering.
“What are you saying. Why are you calling yourself. Don’t do this. Come back to us”, I tell her crying. I shake her at that point thinking that I can break the process and bring her back to reality. But she was already somewhere else.
Her heart beat becomes slower and again she repeats,
“Kaili, aee kaili get up now”.
Come back to your senses”, I keep saying her shaking and patting on her cheeks, still hoping she will be back to her senses. At that point, my brain was refusing to believe that people once gone don’t come back
We both had lost control over our heartbeats. The difference was hers was slowing and mine racing.
She becomes silent, her heart beat becomes almost null now and she again repeats, “Kaili, aee kaili get up now”, and with this she takes her last breath like you swallow something with mouth open.
Her heart went still, eyes partly closed and her mouth was still half open just the way it was when she took her last breath.
With those words she left this world. There was so much going on, in and around me that I never thought of it again until I saw that dream.
I don’t know about anything apart from this life. But this incident makes me believe that Soul never dies and there’s something beyond this life. And it gives me relief and contentment. Her last words soothe me and makes me believe that she is there somewhere and my grandma had come to take her.
© S̮e̮l̮i̮n̮a̮ S̮u̮b̮b̮a̮
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