Last words

Soul never dies

Last words can have such an impact on someone’s life. You might still remember some sweet words or some bitter words you heard years ago. You might have forgotten other stuffs but not how those words made you feel. Whenever those words come to your mind again, you relive those moments as if it happened just now. It might make you happy, sad, content or even angry.

I also relive many past moments in my head quite often. It’s funny how out of many moments lived with someone, only few stay in your subconscious mind permanently, keeps knocking and takes you back to those moments time and again… 

I can never forget my mom who is up there in heaven. It’s been three years without her. She was with me for 28 years. In all these 28 years, there were many seconds, minutes and days that we have spent together… Yet when I think of her,  those 28 years seem so short. I remember how she loved me, cared for me, pampered me, scolded me and taught me to dream. I still remember how she made me feel. I can still feel the warmth of her love and protection. 

When she left, she left a big vacuum in my life. With her, I lost a part of me as well. I forgot to live. I forgot to dream. For months, I was restless and angry. I was not able to come with terms that she is no more. I was in constant misery until one night. 

It’s a hospital room and my mom lies in her bed in her blue coloured hospital shirt and pant. She wants to move but is unable to move any of her body parts apart from her head. No one hears her calling. My dad, elder sister and I reach there. 

” Why you guys so late. I want to move a bit but no one is listening. Can you pull me a bit upwards”, Mom says. 
We pull her a bit up. 
“Now I feel better. You can’t imagine how suffocating it is to be like this”, Mom says in relief. 

My mom was the one experiencing this but I was feeling the numbness and helplessness on my body.  

Suddenly my eyes opened and that feeling was no longer there. I was able to move. That moment changed something in me. I don’t know why but I felt like my mom had come to me to tell that she is not in pain now and her helplessness has gone away. 

My mom was diagnosed with 4th stage metastatic cancer. Doctors had told that there’s  nothing anyone can do. Her one leg had stopped feeling anything and in few days the other one too. Doctor had told that it will spread everywhere and in her brains as well. But before it spread further, her journey ended. Maybe that was somewhere there in my subconscious mind and it just came out in that dream. I don’t know what was that but I was able to feel her helplessness and the relief as well when I woke up. And although I wish she was here, now I don’t have the baggage in my heart. 

After this incident, I remembered the moment when she took her last breath. I had fallen asleep. All of a sudden, I could sense complete silence.

I open my eyes and see my dad, sister and my brother-in law holding my mom in a reclined position. Noone is speaking. My mom’s eyes have changed colours, fixed at one point as if they were looking beyond what is in front.
I shake her and tell if she remembers me.

Her heart beat becomes very slow and she speaks exactly in her mother’s voice, ” Kaili, aee kaili get up now”.

I tell everyone that she is calling her younger sister. But then suddenly realise that her sister is “Kanchi, the small one”. Kaili was actually her. 

I start shivering.
“What are you saying. Why are you calling yourself. Don’t do this. Come back to us”, I tell her crying. I shake her at that point thinking that I can break the process and bring her back to reality. But she was already somewhere else. 

Her heart beat becomes slower and again she repeats, 
“Kaili, aee kaili get up now”.

Come back to your senses”, I keep saying her shaking and patting on her cheeks, still hoping she will be back to her senses. At that point, my brain was refusing to believe that people once gone don’t come back

We both had lost control over our heartbeats. The difference was hers was slowing and mine racing.

 She becomes silent, her heart beat becomes almost null now and she again repeats, “Kaili, aee kaili get up now”, and with this she takes her last breath like you swallow something with mouth open. 

Her heart went still, eyes partly closed and her mouth was still half open just the way it was when she took her last breath. 

With those words she left this world. There was so much going on, in and around me that I never thought of it again until I saw that dream. 
I don’t know about anything apart from this life. But this incident makes me believe that Soul never dies and there’s something beyond this life. And it gives me relief and contentment. Her last words soothe me and makes me believe that she is there somewhere and my grandma had come to take her. 

#LastWords

© S̮e̮l̮i̮n̮a̮ S̮u̮b̮b̮a̮

My mom💖

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HAIKU CONTEST with no entry fee

Dear friends,

Few weeks ago, I just knew that there’s a poetry form called ‘Haiku’ with whatsoever no idea of what it actually was.

However, few days back I stumbled across one HAIKU poem on the internet and instantly fell in love with it. Since then I have been constantly reading about this poetry form and learning.

While I was on this process I came across few websites which are accepting haiku contest submissions for free. I felt this would motivate some Haiku lovers reading this post.

Please click on the link below for more details

74th Basho Memorial English Haiku Contest

The 25th International “Kusamakura” Haiku Competition

HIA Haiku contest

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Smell of burnt wax

#HAIKU

In a World so bright

Sudden outpour of darkness

Smell of burnt wax

©Selina Subba

A depiction of a scene where a bright world suddenly turns dark and they can suddenly sense the smell of burnt wax which makes them realise that it was the burning of candle that was illuminating light to all.
In life too, our World will be comfortable because of the sacrifice of our loved ones which we often only realise once they are gone.

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Our World

Jack falls

No hands…
But laughter erupts

ज्याक लड़यो
हात होइन
वरिपरि हाऀसो छुट्यो |

©Selina Subba

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Wind blows

Based on my real childhood dream

Wind blows..
Seeing this, my heart flows.

In a deep ocean below
One fairy is saying “Hello!”

O’ so adorable!
She seems so lovable

But as soon as I went to her
I heard a bell ring in my ear

Oh! It was just a dream
And I could do nothing than to scream…

© Copyright Selina Subba

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O Dreamer! You’re Your Thoughts

O Dreamer! You’re Your Thoughts

You lie in your cocoon trapped in life’s box
So dark so scary you want to be free
Moist Eyes with the flashes of the thrown rocks
Fallen mask of your disguised love you see

The Eyes seem so void where once dreams were lots
The wings broken with body paralyzed
But you’re more than a body you’re your thoughts
Creativity of your soul deep inside

O’ dreamer! let your vision wear its shoe
Let it travel and never fear the odds
You can cage a body, it is so true
Has anyone been able to cage the thoughts?

For your thoughts, my love is that ray of light
Which can pass even through vacuum at night.

© Copyright S̮e̮l̮i̮n̮a̮ S̮u̮b̮b̮a̮

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Lullabies

Longing for an Angel to come
Who would hold and call me her son
The voice I long to hear
Which would sing me a lullaby.

But for now, lullabies are blessed one’s story…
No record of that in my history.

I know someone gave me a heartbeat
But forgot to put life with it.
Where kids of my age are being loved and pampered
I am bearing the pain of being abandoned…

I wish someone put back life in me
Not from Blood but this time from the kindest heart,
Who would love me and be my mother
Like a shade in hot Summer!!!

But for now, lullabies are blessed one’s story…
No record of that in my history.

© Copyright S̮e̮l̮i̮n̮a̮ S̮u̮b̮b̮a̮

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एउटा सोच

वरि-परि यसो हेर्दा, बुझ्दा मलाई एउटा सानो बालक लड़ेर रोएको स्मरण हुन्छ। सबैले बालक लड़ेको त प्राय देखेका नै हुन्छन्। बालक लड़दा हामी कतिजनाले उसलाई “बिचरा, चो़ चो़ं ” भन्दै गिज्याएका पनि छौ । हामीले बिचरा भन्दा त्यो कलिलो जिवन झन् ग्वाॅ ग्वाॅ रोएको शायद कतिजनालाई झझल्को पनि आउदो होलान् । त्यो कलिलो सृष्टिलाई रूवाउनू पाउदा कति मज्जा आउथ्यो है? उसको आमाले चाहि हामीसंग रिसाउदै “केही भा छैन, बड़ेको पो त” भन्दै फकाएकी अनि त्यो बालक पनि आमाको कुरा सुनेर केही भा छैन जस्तै शान्त भएको मलाई स्मरण हुन्छ।

हिजोआज फेरि मेरो कानमा  कुनी किन त्यो बालक रोएको ध्वनि गूंजिरहन्छ, त्यो बालक फेरि उठ्ने प्रयास गर्न नसकेको मलाई आभास भइरहन्छ।

हामीले कतै त्यो बालकलाई रुवाए झै कसै अरूलाई पनि त रूवाउदै छैनौं? कतै हामीले हाम्रो वचनले कसै अरूका हिम्मत पनि त टूटाउदै छैनौं? हामीले कसै लड़दा खिल्ली उड़ाउदै बिचरा भनेर कतै कसैलाई जिवन यति नै रहेछ जस्तो त आभास गराउदै छैनौं?

जिवन भनेको नै त अघि बढ़नू  हो। अगाडि बढ्दा हामी कतिपय ठाउँ, कतिपय समय लड़न जान्छौ। कहिले सुख, कहिले दुख यही नै त तपाई हाम्रो जिवन हो तर कतै अरूको दुखमा हामी जानेर वा नजानेर रमाई त रहेका छैनौं? कतै त्यो बालक रोए झै हाम्रो कारण कसै अरूका मन पनि त रोएका छैनन्?

कतै भोलि हामी लड़दा, अरु कोही त रमाउदैनन्? त्यो नानीलाई गिज्याए झै कतै हाम्रो दुखमा पछि हामीलाई नै त कसैले गिज्याउदैनन्?

फेरि के थाहा त्यो बालक को झै हामीसंग हाम्रो कोही आफ्नो हिम्मत बनी खड़ा हुने हो वा होइन!

© Copyright S̮e̮l̮i̮n̮a̮ S̮u̮b̮b̮a̮

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मेरी कविता मेरी परछाई है

मेरी कविता मेरी परछाई है,
कागज पे लिखी एक दास्तान है
कभी मेरी मस्तिष्क की कहानी
तो कभी मेरी जिंदगी की जुबानी
जो भी है बस् मेरी अपनी है।

कभी जिंदगी जंगलसा लगे
अपना जानवरो सा लगे
छुप जाती हूँ इसकी आचलमे।
हसू मैं इसकी संग, रोऊँ भी इसकी संग
मतलबियोके भिड़मे ये तो मेरी दर्पण है।

जब मैं थक के बैठ जाऊ
ये मेरी एक प्याला चाय हैं
जब राहे धुँधली सी लगे
पैर लड़खड़ाने लगे
कभी लाठी तो कभी मेरी चश्मा है ये।

जिन्दगी की जंगमे जब मैं खुदको भी भूल जाऊ
ये मेरी बोल्ती हुईं आत्मा है..
बेगानों के झुंडमे जबमें खो जाऊ
ये पेहचाना हुआँ कोई एक चेहरा हैं
हाँ ये सच है मेरी कविता मेरी खुद की परछाई है।

© Copyright S̮e̮l̮i̮n̮a̮ S̮u̮b̮b̮a̮

Click here for Video of this poem

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कभी मैं एक सितारा ⭐

कभी शितल कभी चंचल
कभी शायर कभी गजल
कभी रोती तो कभी हस्ती
कभी मैं कुछ नहीं
तो कभी मैं एक सितारा ⭐

कभी ख्वाबोंमे खो जाती हूँ
खूद ही मे रम जाती हू
कभी खूदको भूल कर
अप्नोमे सो जाती हू।

कभी शायर बन कर
शायरी लिख लेती हू
कभी राहमे गिरकर
फिर सम्हल जाती हू।

© Copyright S̮e̮l̮i̮n̮a̮ S̮u̮b̮b̮a̮

Please click below for the video link of this poem 👇

#Hindi poem #सितारा

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